Oh Look The Dark One Ripped Out My Heart

clip_image002I know it’s supposed Pretty Little Liars season, but I just finally caught up with the finale of Once Upon a Time, so yes, I am interrupting our regularly scheduled PLL posts, to write about another obsession of mine. It’s a low key obsession, but it’s actually a more important obsession to me than PLL is. You see, I’ve been obsessed with fairytales for as long as I can remember. Therefore, Once Upon a Time is a PERFECT show for a girl like me! It’s not only fairytales brought to real life, but also mysteries piled upon mysteries with a few more mysteries mixed in along with it. And you see that picture right there? Yeah, that’s me… Rumpelstiltskin used his newly returned dark magic to rip out my heart and throw it on the ground. Ordinarily, I would be able to recover from him, or anyone else, ripping out my heart fairly quickly as long as I have some kind of hope to cling onto. With this finale though, even with the promising hope of true love, I can’t bring myself to find the strength to pick my heart up from the ground. It just hurts SO MUCH! Emma Swan, the Savior, and Killian clip_image004Jones, Captain Hook reformed pirate, are MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! She’s his happy ending! He is her future! They are the only ones who can really break down each other’s walls! In the last five minutes of the finale, right after Killian sacrificed himself and Emma became the Savior again, I sent a message to a Facebook group with three of my friends who watch the show with me saying, “Um…. Excuse me! Have any of you seen the Once Upon a Time finale?” Only one of them had, so we upon up a private message to discuss my emotional turmoil over losing Hook. This is what I sent her as I typed out my scene by scene reactions to the last five minutes, “What the HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Like literally…..apparently????!!!?!?!?!?! Damn Rumpelstiltskin!!!!! How dare he come between The Savior and Captain Hook!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean….. At least we have proof that, even among the DARKEST circumstances, when they’re both Dark Ones, they manage to overcome it with their love…. But Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” A boring ordinary person might claim I’m being over dramatic, but you my darlings, you beautiful fangirls and fanboys, I know you won’t say I’m being over dramatic. You will grieve with me in my time of crisis! Like, y’all, my heart literally hurts right now! I think the reason ordinary people don’t understand us is because they don’t feel on as deep of a level as well do. We feel on an extremely deep level, so we not only feel our feelings, but also the feelings of others, even our beautiful friends of fiction. I really do feel for Emma right now! I just… I can’t believe Rumple betrayed us again! I mean… I can, but I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, he really had changed! Belle deserves it! She may believe in him, but a woman can believe in true love for so long before her heart has been broken enough to kill her! Anyway, I’m finished with my cry for help! I just really needed to share my pain with people whom I knew would understand! So, if you’re reading this, thank you! I really hope you had someone there for you when you watched this dark and tragic finale for the first time and any repeating times as well!

Dear Childhood Best Friend (An Open Letter)

Have you ever had a close friend whom you thought would always be there for you but wasn’t because you grew apart and now you don’t even talk? I grew up with a girl whom I thought would always be my best friend and now it’s been over six months since I last talked to her and it really sucks! I’ve always known that writing song lyrics and sometimes poems was one of the best ways to find healing, but throughout the past year, I’ve also learned that general writing, particularly writing this that I can post in a blog post, is also a great way to find healing. Therefore, I’m writing another open letter and this time it’s for the girl whom I thought would always be my closest friend but is really no longer here. From here on out, she will be known as CBF (childhood best friend). You know how people and love songs always talk about things that bring a flood of memories rushing back so said person/singer tries to avoid those things as much as possible? That doesn’t just happen for past romantic relationships, I’ve learned that it also happens for past relationships in general. When we were in high school, my CBF introduced me to a Canadian show called “Heartland.” This show quickly became my favorite show and every time it came on new, she and I would talk about it together the next day at school (we watched it when people uploaded it to YouTube). About three years ago, I stopped watching “Heartland” as it came on new and only watch it sometimes in spirts. Not because I don’t want to watch it, because I actually really do want to watch. Actually, about an hour ago I realized the reason I haven’t watched it very much is because at about the same time I stopped watching it, I also graduated high school and in turn last most communication with my CBF. Realizing this and a few other things in the past few weeks is what prompted me to write this post.

 

Dear CBF,

I don’t know if you ever pay any attention to my Facebook posts, but if you do and you happen to read this, I just want you to know you will always hold a very dear place in my heart. We grew up together and that will always mean something. We went to the same church every Sunday, played volleyball and basketball together, went to the same high school, hand more sleepovers at your house than I can possibly imagine, shared secrets, we even had a crush on the same guy at one point (not that we had many options, there were only ten guys in our church and school). You were my best friend and my sister. I’ll never forget the times we shared together—every one of your birthdays from 8 to 18 (I think) and for the last time, my 20th birthday sleepover at your house. Do you remember that time we jumped on your trampoline with a water hose shooting toward the sky while did a rain dance and sang/prayed for it to rain and it actually did? I do. I remember it all. We were ridiculous, but we were best friends, and that was all that mattered.

At some point in high school though, we slowly started to grow apart. I didn’t want to believe it at the time, especially because everyone kept saying “you rarely keep your high school friends,” but I can admit it now. They were right. We were childhood friends and eventually high school friends, but it barely extended farther than that. We graduated high school, left our childhood church to go to different churches, moved to opposite ends of town (away from the neighborhoods across from each other where we grew up) and we made new friends, heck, you even got married! Me, I’m still single with no potential prospects at this time, but I’m happy. I have a new best friend/sister now, someone you met when you visited my church once or twice, but as much as I love my new best friend, she has her own special place in my heart, a place that can and will never replace or fill your place in my heart. No, that place in my heart will remain filled with the memories we built together as children and teenagers for as long as I shall live.

If I’m being honest with myself and you, the likelihood of you being the best friend I have when I have kids one day, like we always talked about, is very slim. That’s okay though, because just like I’ll be able to tell my kids one day about my first “love,” I’ll also be able to tell them about my first best friend. As I share these memories of us with my kids, I’ll look back on fondly and always remember that when I needed someone you were there! For a while, you were one of the few people who knew about the drama my family went through at times, and I’ll also never forget that. I remember one day in particular on a December night before Christmas City, I showed at church with tearstains on my face because my parents had been fighting again. You asked me if everything was okay and I lied, but you gave me a knowing look, a hug, and in so many words told me everything would be okay. Our best friendship may have ended rather abruptly and we may have faced a few dramatic moments toward the end, but I want you to know that I love you sweet sister and I’ll never forget the childhood we shared together! You helped me grow into the woman I am today and I’ll always remember that!

So, dear CBF, thank you for the cherished memories! They will be held softly in my heart forever! Thank you for always being there for me! Thanks for putting up with my crap! That’s for loving me even though you knew the worst sides of me! Thank you for letting me come to your bridal shower and wedding, even after we had already grown apart for the most part at that point. Honestly, just thank you for everything! I hope that at some point you might come across this post, read it, and remember all the memories I’ve remembered while writing this open letter. I hope and pray for the best for you and your husband. You deserve the very best and I’m sure you’re going to get it! I know you’ll know who you are, if for no other reason than the fact that I mentioned “Heartland,” and I’m sure most other people will also know who you are, so please remember one thing: Even though we’re not close anymore and even though we haven’t talked in at least six months, you’re still special to me, I still love you, and I’ll always be here for you if you ever need me!

Jehovah Shalom

Sometimes, your new year starts out really crazy. It begins with wine and scrabble with your second family—best friend and her mom—and then it leads into a day in which you sleep eight hours before waking up at 1pm to go to work from 3pm until 11:30pm. Next thing you know, you go home and watch about thirty hours of the show you’ve been binge-watching (in this case for me— “Hart of Dixie”) without stopping to sleep until 11pm after being awake for thirty-four hours. Finally, you sleep for eight hours, wake up, go to church, and go home to take a three-hour nap before going back to work where you end up being the only person taking calls for the last hour and end up with five calls in queue when the queue is closed which leads to working through the eighteen minutes that are usually reserved for closers to basically just chill and twelve minutes on top of that which leads to your first ten minutes of overtime ever. And all of that ends in you arriving at Whataburger (local Texas burger joint) at 2am after getting off work 1:27am to use the bathroom, only to end up eating a 2-piece kid’s chicken strip meal with the fries, a cookie, and a medium onion ring while watching the next show you’ve chosen to start watching “The O.C.” (because I like to watch everything I can find with stars in it from the things I binge watch) Normally, I’m not one to eat away my stress, but I was hungry and it was better than the alternative of what I normally do—stress out until I have an anxiety attack.

If you read my last post, then you know that my new year’s resolution for spiritual development this year is to remember Jehovah Shalom— “The Lord is my Savior” –and I will not worthy. Before, like a week ago, when I decided that I would stop saying “I’m an anxious person,” and dwelling on the things that make me anxious, I would have handled this stressful weekend of no sleep in a very different manner. A lot of people, even the invisible people in queue at a call center, give me social anxiety, especially when they’re the customers that I’m responsible for helping. Crowds of people and long queues of calls used to me so nervous that it would start to make it hard to breathe and my thoughts became all consumed with the threat of impending doom—person after person after person until it became impossible to think of anything else. Tonight though, I didn’t freak out and it didn’t become hard for me to breathe. There was a moment when I almost started to freak out though. It was 12:57pm, the time when calls stop coming in, and I had just gotten off a twenty-one-minute call which is bad enough on its own and even worse when it’s immediately followed by a call from a man who yells at you and gets mad at you for being the only person in the call center (little did he know, that was an actual fact and not him being rude). Ordinarily, I would have been freaking out for a long time before that and would have completely broken down at that point, but somehow—with the Lord’s unfailing help—I was able to stay relatively composed and handle the next four calls in a peaceful manner. It was amazing! If I hadn’t been so exhausted from the strain of the night, I probably would have been elated from the joy of being able to say that I made it through night without panicking! I just wanted to write this post as an example of truth that “Daring to Hope” isn’t all that scary after all, and when you put your hope in the right place—in the Lord—you can actually accomplish great personal successes, such as not freaking out when you’re the only person at work when an angry man tries to break you! Anyway, it is now 3:42am in Texas and I am tired, but I still have to leave Whataburger, go make a deposit at the bank, and shower before going to sleep! I guess it’s true what they say, a writer never sleeps!

My Thoughts on “Hart of Dixie” (with spoilers)

I’m a country girl at heart, so when I read about “Hart of Dixie” in a list of “Shows You’ll Love if You Loved Gilmore Girls” I definitely had to give it a go.  I immediately loved it, but only made it half way through the first and only season that was on Netflix because work or something got in the way. I finally started watching it again this week and used each of my free moments binge watching it (is there any other way?). Zoe Hart is the goofy speed talking character I always love, because characters like her always talk themselves into trouble and then somehow manage also to talk themselves out of trouble. In my world, I’m the goofy, speed talking girl who talks herself in and out of trouble. So, of course, I love “Hart of Dixie,” not only for the southern charm and speed talking characters, but also because it’s super cheesy and cliché, but in the best way!

I’m normally first and for most a sucker for tragic love stories, so I thought at first that I would be rooting for George Tucker and Zoe Hart to be together. However, I also typically root for the fixer and the mysterious troubled guy, and this time that couple won out, because Wade Kinsella is… well, Wade Kinsella. *fangirl swoon* I actually did like Joel, kind of, but I was definitely one of the 87% who would have voted he and Zoe did not make the best couple. I also liked Vivian, but as Zoe’s cousin and not as Wade’s love interest, though of course if it wasn’t for Joel and Vivian, we would have missed a lot of the best moments between Zoe and Wade, because Joel and Vivian were the bridges that ultimately helped Zoe and Wade find their way to each other. Don’t even get me started on the baby bomb. Dude! Normally, I think those types of bombs are RIDICULOUS, but in this case it was PERFECT, especially when Wade wanted to propose and then chased after Zoe when she ran away to New York when she learned his plan. That baby bomb though, for me at least, came from completely nowhere, especially since they were leading us to believe it would be Lemon who was pregnant, but of course, that would have been too obvious.

Speaking of Lemon, even though she cheated on George with him, I definitely wanted her to be with Lavon. I am one hundred percent against cheating, but if you’re going to do it, at least do it with someone who you’ve fallen in love with and not someone, like Wade did, who means absolutely nothing to you! There were a few moments, particularly in season three, when I momentarily rooted for Lemon and George, but ultimately, I didn’t really like him with either Zoe or Lemon. I did, however, think he was super cute with Tansy, that was until she fell for Scooter, and then all hope was lost for me for them when Lemon planted the seed of potential love in George and A.B.’s mind, because they were totally adorable!

Speaking of adorable, can we talk about Tom and Wanda? Those two were adorkable! Gosh! I mean, who would have thought Tom Long would end up happily married to someone before any of the other characters were even happily dating anyone? Honestly, probably anyone who knows anything about cliché love stories, it’s also dorky, but loveable kid who finds true love first, because they typically have less of a chance of getting caught in love webs—way too many connections to be love triangles!

I don’t think I’ve even truly been able to say this about a TV show before, or really any love story at all, but I really like how they chose to end the series. I have only one complaint, and that’s that it would be nice to see the show extended so we can watch Zoe and Wade raise the baby for at least a season or two, but as far as the story line and closure goes, I don’t have any complaints! Zoe and Wade are quite possibly one of my favorite ships ever, Lemon and Lavon bring out the best in each other (except of course cheating), Tom and Wanda are just adorable, Scooter changed for Tansy, and George and Anna-Beth are the couple that came out of nowhere, who should have made sense the whole time! All in all, I am very satisfied with “Hart of Dixie” and will definitely be watching it a few more times through. So, if you’re looking for a cute show that is for the most part for cute and mostly clean, I truly recommend you watch “Hart of Dixie” especially if you liked the small town feel and quick-speaking pace of Stars Hallow in “Gilmore Girls” because Zoe is a speed talking New Yorker who has to learn how to live a small town life with the quirky residents of Blue Bell, Alabama, all while learning about a family and father she didn’t know she had and falling in love, but ignoring it with temporary relationships, at the same time. Beware though, if you easily pick up accents, especially if you’re from the south, your words will come out with a bit of an accent if they don’t already and your thoughts will run in “southern dialect” for a while as well.

New Year’s Perspective

The months of November through February are the most cliché months of the whole year. It’s a whole third of the year in which everybody goes through the same old motions as the year before. There’s the festivities of the holidays, cliché Christmastime proposals, New Year’s resolutions that last about two days, and it all wraps up with the ridiculous clichés of Valentine’s Day. So yes, this is a post about the clichés of looking back on the year and thinking, “Wow! I never would have seen my life where it is now” and then setting a resolution to make the coming year even better. My life has changed so much this year, which should not surprise me, because my resolution at the beginning of this year was to embrace change. If there is anything I know, it’s that when you say something like that, God is going to challenge your resolve. In addition to challenging my resolve to embrace change, He also challenged my resolve to accept help from others.

I had to embrace the changes of getting a new car, moving out of my mom’s house, moving in with new roommates, and getting a new job. I also had to embrace the help of others when I went a month without a car, then sprained my ankle, and later got my wisdom teeth out and learned that that is some serious business! I never thought I’d say this, because change used to make me super nervous, like to the point that I would be on the verge on anxiety attacks, but I actually, kind of, almost like change now, because it’s new and exciting. I also never thought I’d say this, but I’m slowly getting to the point where I don’t mind relying on other people. I still sometimes worry about inconveniencing people, but mostly, I just accept that not accepting people’s help is not accepting that they care, which is no good for either them or me.

When I say I make New Year’s resolutions, I don’t make them in the traditional sense. Instead, I look back on the year in the perspective of hindsight and analyze the spiritual and emotional things that went well and the things that could use some work and I resolve to improve my perspective on those things. In 2015, I think I did a pretty good job of embracing change and accepting help, whether I wanted to or not. However, I could use improvement in the area of worrying. I have a horrible habit of worrying about things that are out of my control and about things that I could just as simply change rather than worry about. I also have a habit of speaking the negative phrase “I am an anxious person” over myself. The Bible says in Proverbs that we are what we think in our heart. If I’m constantly saying and thinking that I am an anxious person, then I’m sure as all going to be an anxious person. Therefore, my resolution for the year is to speak positive words over myself. For that reason, my motto of the year in 2016 is going to be “Jehovah Shalom—I will not worry.” For anyone who may not know, “Jehovah Shalom” is translated from Hebrew to mean “The Lord is peace.”

In addition to speaking “Jehovah Shalom—I will not worry” over myself, I need to take a step back and remember that what other people think of me does not matter. I am a passionate, obsessive, and quirky person who gets overly excited about things that many other people don’t really care about, but that’s what makes me who I am and that’s what makes the people who love me love me. Can I be a tad over the top sometimes? Yes, I can be, but again, that’s what makes me who I am! I don’t need other people to tell me that that’s okay, because I know it’s okay and “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” – Dr. Seuss. Besides, my passionate tendencies also help make me a very loyal person and my obsessive tendencies help make me a very good judge of other people’s character. Therefore, I will also continue to remind myself of Dr. Seuss’ quote anytime I start to worry about what other people think.

Anyway, Happy New Year y’all! Be safe and have fun! Good luck and God bless as well on whatever New Year’s resolutions you make me embarking on!